Go To Hell!

Stupid. Good for nothing. Ugly b****h. These words were thrown at me so often that I began to believe them. I know that I'm not an educated person. But does that mean that he can treat me like an animal?

I stopped school at the age of 16. I was doing my 'N' level then. The reason I left school was because I'm pregnant. Mak (mother) forced me to marry Joe. He must take responsibility, Mak said. But Joe, who was fresh out of National Service and finding work, could not support me or the baby. He disappeared after the baby was born. I filed for divorce.

That was when I met Awie. He was a supervisor in a factory that I was working in. Awie was charming. He knew that his name resembled a popular Malay singer and actor. He used that to woo me. I fell in love with him. We got married quickly. I needed a man in the family to take care of me and Nana, my daughter. Besides, I was pregnant a second time. Awie said he'll be responsible. He'll take care of us. I believed him.

Awie worked as a deliveryman. He was a divorcee, like me, when we got married. He had two sons from his previous marriage. But I met his children only once. I don’t really know what happened in his previous life. I don’t care. Besides, I have Nana and my newborn son, Wan. Awie was fond of Nana. But he was somewhat cold towards baby Wan.

Wan is not easy to take care of. He would often cry late at night. Awie said that the baby is cursed. He even said that the baby is not his. I felt hurt. I would swear at him for insinuating that I had given birth to a child from another man. At times, Awie would pick up baby Wan and shook him hard to make him stop crying. Other times, he would tape baby Wan’s mouth to muffle his cries. I could not do anything. I was afraid that Awie would do something worse and seriously hurt baby Wan.

I have to admit that I am not an angel too. While married to Awie, I had an affair with another married man. His name is Iskandar. He persuaded me to ask for a divorce and live with him. One day, I had a big quarrel with Awie. In the heat of the moment, I challenged him to say the talak (divorce). That was when Awie’s anger became uncontrollable. I was beaten badly. My face was swollen and I vomited after a series of kicks to my stomache. “Perempuan sial (damned woman)!” Awie shouted as his blows landed on my head.

That night, I was hospitalised. A neighbour had heard the commotion and called the police. I could barely remember what happened after that assault. Awie was taken into custody, Thank God, my two children were unharmed. I was hoping that Iskandar would come visit me. But I did not hear from him nor seen him ever since. I’m still hoping that I will meet the right man. I dream of a happy family like other people. Or am I doomed in this life?

One thing I hope for: that I am not treated like an animal. I may not be an angel, but I am human like you and me. I may not be educated, but I deserve to be happy like everyone else. It’s just that I’ve not met the right guy. The ones I know are jerks who are only interested in my body. Or to treat my body like a rag doll. Pergi jahanam (go to hell)! I have dignity. I will not let them hurt me or my children ever again.

Yours sincerely,

Ayu

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